Ugh I owe you SO many comments

But briefly, while on break:

1. Yes of COURSE I would LOVE to have my precious and hard-gotten sleep interrupted by drug-raid style knocking and a bid to be harangued about how you would like me to be set on fire for eternity for being gay, Jehovah's Witness lady! And it's NOT CREEPY OR INVASIVE AT ALL that you know my name.

2. I want to say I fiercely protect my work/life balance, but I have no life. I have a work/ void balance. Best not to mess with it.

Jason Momoa could play Ben in the reboot

...look, I know I do way too many queering fantheories*, but... think about Grizzly Adams for a second. Doesn't your brain just sigh with relief and say "Oh! Yes, of course!" when you consider the possibility that the "crime he didn't commit*," was homosexuality? Doesn't the wedding episode make so much more sense as a mutual bearding?

*How to make an English major unfriend you on Facebook: "Mr. Darcy just strikes me as 'stereotypical catty gay.'"
**Though not, it turns out, for lack of trying.

Time is a toddler with a Sharpie, running away much too quickly

I did manage to get two four-hour naps in, and looks like I'll get a small nap in before work at 12:15--- not optimal, but could be worse.

Six days until my next day off, which is moving day. I don't feel remotely near done, and of course they're long shifts. They have offered me up to a ninety-hour week. I have declined.

Cat is being the opposite of helpful, needy and pointy and naggy.



D and R x

You may have noticed, gentle reader, that I do experience some anxiety and other stuff. (In fact, those who specialize in spot diagnosis will immediately blurt out "anxiety," the second they hear my voice. Fortunately, I have been able to arrange my life in such a way that I don't let it affect me too much; in fact, I flatter myself that "brave, if not necessarily into effective self-preservation" is part of the background noise of my personal brand.)

I've heard, from generally reliable sources:
-Marijuana is excellent for alleviating anxiety;
-Micro-dosing with LSD allows people with ADHD to turn on and direct hyperfocus, and helps a lot with slow processing speed;
-Psylocibin mushrooms will buy a solid pip off one's PSTD quirk (I'm currently at two pips, going by GURPS, I think);
-Ketamine will more-or-less permanently reduce depression, if done right.

I... I'm aware that my lack of mental health has a negative impact on those around me, and I'm aware that prioritizing my prissy cowardice and distaste for the idea of using the drugs that were illegal in the culture in which I grew up over the comfort of my loved ones is terribly selfish. Nonetheless.

It is, however, against the rules of the company for which I work to use these drugs, so my cowardice can be sort of justified. It's also not like I'm seeking much in the way of legal drug treatment for my afflictions: the process is laborious, expensive, and a GIANT pain in the neck and did I mention way too expensive to justify at my current income level (seriously, more than a third of my net)? Plus, my experience with psychiatric docs generally seem to bear out that their priorities and mine do not match at all: they think that my ability to create art, process emotions (as opposed to merely numbing or preventing them), and change and grow as a human are acceptable casualties in the process of making me 2% less likely to kill myself. I just want to be able to feel like it's okay to do the dishes without feeling invisibly judged by everyone I've ever met and a hundred generations before because I'm doing it BADLY and it's SELFISH to do things just to make yourSELF more comfortable if it doesn't help anyone else...

I mean, I'm not letting the brainweasels have FULL control of the mike: if curing mental illness were as easy as the Facebook conspiracy theorists claimed, it wouldn't be nearly the problem it is.


A whole four hours of sleep.

It is my day off. I have ten days until my move-out date. I am going to attempt to work until 10:45 p.m., which is when I get off work tomorrow, to get everything packed and ready.

I am not filled with hope. However, I did make it until the end of my shift last night, though. Yay me!

I hate how irritable I am...

... and yet, I am how irritable I am.

I shall try to make it through the end of the day today (stupid twelve-hour days), but I am so exhausted that I wobble precariously when standing still. Something must change, and soon.


Body, we should sleep for the schedule we have, not the schedule we sort-of had last week or the schedule we will sort-of have next week. Twelve-hour days feel draggy enough without not sleeping at all.

However, the sky is making dinosaur noises and I am the worst worker but I am kind of hoping for a power/ Internet failure and an inability to actually "come in" today...

Another thing that bothers me

Look, if keto/ paleo/ gf/ low-carb/ high-carb/ intermittent fasting is working for you, that's great. I even would like to hear about how it works FOR YOU and make up my own mind about whether I should try it. HOWEVER, if you don't have any formal nutritional training beyond reading a lot of blogs/ pop sci articles/ eavesdropping at the gym, don't talk as if you've got the one true lock on diet and you know what and how I should and shouldn't be eating and you know better than my doctor or I do, and that I have or should have the same goals that you do. I've probably had better long-term success with weight loss my way than you have, and I've probably tried your way and it didn't work for me. You don't get to shout at me, you don't get to insist that I'm wrong and invalid, and you don't get to say "Your way is stupid," if it works. I suspect that in the end, while there are some basics that always do help (getting enough nutrition and sleep, moving your body, moving toward the goal of eating less-processed), there is a tremendous variation on what it optimum for various types of human lifestyles/ bodies/ gut flora ecosytems/ genetics/ epigenetics, etc.

No-one who reads this blog, I think, disagrees with me there, but I just wanted to mention this.

A thing that bothers me...

I thought referring to the "Rainbow Bridge" when a pet dies vaguely irritated me because it was so twee and because it misappropriates the Norse myth so (I am pretty twee myself, but even I have limits), but I just realized it bugged me that most of the animals who get memorialized that way can't see much in the way of color.

I mean, it still bothers me, but it's nice to know where that comes from.